Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
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High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Hank is one in a melon.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines