My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
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Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*