[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
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Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.