Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
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Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.