If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
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Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
How do you milk an almond?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company