Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
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nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*