As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
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Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day