I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
You Might Also Like
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.