My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
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If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door