The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
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My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
The only equipped I am is ill.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
where the womens at?
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.