me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
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My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.