Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
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Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s