Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
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new year update: losing everything but weight
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys