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JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
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Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
My neck my back my allergy attack