People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
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Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
calling in to work dehydrated
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️