It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
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The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college