My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
You Might Also Like
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.