No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
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[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.