My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
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[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”