Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
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My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Self-cleaning conscience
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.