My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
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When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 馃槄
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What鈥檚 the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i鈥檓 in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it鈥檚 cheap
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Him: I鈥檓 so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
The game has officially changed 馃槑
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity