panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
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I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!