Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
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they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Not my job 😂
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?