My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
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“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
thanksgiving in nutshell
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Batman v Dracula