Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
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You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”