Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
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My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.