and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
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Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
The news in a nutshell.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.