Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
You Might Also Like
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.