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I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.