My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
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A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
New comic up. “Ransom”
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island