I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
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A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.