Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
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’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas