“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
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[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
just having fun
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.