Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
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Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Livid.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty