If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
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nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me