He’s cranky this morning
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I hate when that happens.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
i’m sure it’s fine
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go