shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
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Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.