Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
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Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?