very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
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When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Love this guy
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse