[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
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Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Weirdly Wednesday.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.