Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
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You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then