“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
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I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
🌱🌱🌱
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“i miss shittin on people”
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”