this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
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I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
new record!