I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
You Might Also Like
good work, detective
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I’ve been learning to cook.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Who called it baking and not making love