I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
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I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.