Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
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When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Alexa, make me look good naked.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever