*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
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“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
New menu item
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works