Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
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My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*