Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
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Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”