When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
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Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife